I’ve been meaning to get back to blogging for a while now. I guess you could say I’ve been putting it off. Excuses like there not being enough time, or not knowing what to say…they’re just that. Excuses.
The reality of the matter is that I may not have felt adequate to share with you for a while. I almost feel guilty. Life is good. 11 days ago I gave birth to the most beautiful, perfect little girl that I’ve ever laid eyes on. I spent the last 38 weeks feeling her grow & move inside of me, loving her a little more & more every day, and then heard the most perfect cry imaginable when she finally entered this world. God gave me the desires of my heart. Again. So, why do I have so many friends that are still in the waiting?
I don’t know.
Since giving birth, I’ve spent the last week quarantined to either my house or a hospital room. I was diagnosed with Type B flu and slight pneumonia in both lungs, onset 5 days post-partum. I’ve had a lot of time to think. It’s had me down, particularly mentally and emotionally, I’m not going to lie. I’ve cried quite a few angry tears. Why me, and why now? Why do my babies have to be exposed to this? Especially my newborn? Why do I have to be stuck wearing a mask & gloves around my own home? When can I kiss my babies? When will I be able to go in public again? Why is just running to the grocery store such a big deal now? Then, today, it occurred to me. He is slowing you down, Leslie. He’s making you take time…for HIM. And as I was thinking and praying about what exactly it is that God wants me to say here, I just kept getting the words “You have peace”.
Yes, but what do you want me to say about that, God?! *insert my selfish little eye roll here* I have peace. Yes. I have a great, hard-working husband, a nice home, three amazing kids, the coolest job. Why wouldn’t I have peace? Then He tells me…no. You have peace.
Some days, it doesn’t feel fair to me, that I get to experience this and others want to so badly. I’ve been there…in the wanting. In the waiting. I’ve been you, sweet friend. Looking at me, seeing my babies. Seeing my life, that from the outside looking in, seems so imperfectly perfect. Seeing me lug in an infant carrier with a screaming toddler trailing behind. Seeing my 5 year old bound in, full-throttle, as I try to hold it all together and keep eyes on everyone. It’s a chaos that you long for. I’ve had the same longing in my eyes. It’s not that you aren’t happy for me. You are. It’s not that you think I’m undeserving, or that you’d ever wish it any other way. But, you just want it too. You don’t want to be jealous or envious, but it’s a daily struggle to overcome those feelings. You can’t understand the when and the why. It should surely be your turn by now.
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3
I don’t have the answers, friend. I wish I did. Oh, how desperately I wish I did. But, please remember that in the waiting, He is there. In the wanting…in the longing…He is there. In the empty arms and empty hearts and empty wombs, He is THERE. I didn’t always know this, and it’s why I want to be so sure that someone says it to you today. You probably already know. But, you know how sometimes, you just need to hear someone say it to you? He’s there, friend. He’s with you. Every step. Every test. Every positive, every negative, every minute.
It’s so hard to just “keep on keeping on”. I know it is. When you’re surrounded by happy couples and beautiful babies and success stories. I wish I could tell you that I knew His plans for you, and I could tell you with certainty that it involved you holding your own precious child in your arms one day soon. I pray it does.
But, in the meantime, in the waiting…peace. During both of my C-sections, I’ve repeated Isaiah 26:3 over & over in my head countless times. Keeping my mind STAYED on HIM. Trusting Him. And He always delivers with His perfect peace.
I’m doing a little waiting of my own over here today…waiting on fever to break. Waiting on my 24 hours fever-free to arrive, so that I can enjoy sunshine, and kids, and ballgames again. It’s flustering. It’s a hard time of waiting. But I must keep my mind on Him. I must trust that He has a plan in this. I must trust that He’s protecting me from, or preparing me for, something. HIS way. HIS timing.
That’s what I pray for you today. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Keep trusting that He has a PLAN. Not just a solution, not even just possibly a baby (or a cure, or a diagnosis, or whatever your prayer may be)…but a PLAN. It’s so much bigger than just getting the desires of our heart. That is sweet, and exciting, and indescribable…but the bigger picture? The part where He’s working it all together for the good of those that love Him? The point where your hopes & dreams collide with His purpose? THAT is where the peace is, friends. THAT. Pray for THAT.