To you, it looks like an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, gender neutral bouncy seat.

To me, it looks like a flood of emotion and memories of tiny little babies wrapped snugly in blankets, holding my entire heart in their pudgy little fingers.

The price tag on all of that? $7.00 in my pocket.

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Colossians 3:2

I get it, y’all. I’m not illogical. It will be twenty-ish years before my babies have babies. It is taking up prime real estate in the garage, where I could store more plastic pieces of emotion. It doesn’t make sense to keep it.

But, as I clean it up, write my consignor number in heavy black Sharpie, and affix the string tag that holds the price of my memories, a little piece of my heart is breaking. It’s final. This is for real. I’m tearing up as I write this, y’all. There will be no more babies in this house.

The tying of my tubes after baby number 3? That was stone cold real, and my heart hurt for a long while. To be honest, it still does a little. But, I didn’t have to physically let go of anything.  I wasn’t holding it in my hands, and setting it free. It didn’t have a price tag!

All the years of praying. All the tears. All the questions. All the positive pregnancy tests and empty ultrasound screens. All the prayers, prayed over swollen stomachs and full wombs. The hospital treks and nervous ORs. It’s all done. We are done. No more babies.

Now, when my logical mind gets ahold of this, it’s perfectly ok with me. Y’all. If it were up to Satan and his schemes to stop the will of God, I would have no babies. And yet, I have THREE! Three beautiful, perfect recreations of an amazing Creator, that live in my home and bless my life daily. I am thankful. If that’s all I ever have, that is enough.

We are getting older. Closer to old age. With older age, there are higher risks involved, to an already extremely high-risk situation. Medically, why would I tempt fate?

We are financially strapped. Three kids cost a lot, y’all. There are no leftovers at dinner anymore. It takes 2 packages of most every grocery to make a meal. All the extracurriculars! The bats and gloves and dance shoes and fees! Not to mention, private school tuition for three! Truly, I cannot afford another one, even if we wanted!

Our car will not even hold another person, y’all! I have three car seats across the back, and no third row. Where would I even put another baby?!!

Now, hear me out! I’m not saying that I don’t have a heavenly Provider that could handle all these details with the drop of a hat! He could, no doubt in my mind. But at some point we have to let go of the knob, and let Him close the door, y’all.

When I physically hang on to all the things….well, I haven’t closed the door in my mind. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s time, my friends. And as I sit here and tell you all of this, my brain is wrapping around the next season and envisioning it with the pretty little bow that God intended.

Having an almost 7 year old? It’s fun, guys! To see his personality emerge. He is becoming who God created him to be. And I have a front row seat. He is quirky, and funny, and smart. The look of excitement and love in his eyes when he looks at me makes my heart smile.

 

Seeing my 4 year old love so big. Seeing him navigate the world of emotion and decisions and even disappointment…it’s amazing. I study his features, in the moments when he’s still, and I see how intricately perfect God created him. The one that survived my womb. He is a fighter, in so many ways!

 

Seeing the baby, and how her world is consumed by her brothers. She would follow them to the ends of the earth. She thinks they are the best things since strawberries and cheese balls, y’all. She is just like her Daddy! We made that, y’all. Us and Him, we did it! She’s the finale!

 

And as emotional as I am, when I think about that bouncer not sitting idly by in our garage any longer…I have peace in knowing that it’s time for my next season. I’m not a Mama of newborns any longer. I came, I saw, I did that. I was blessed with that opportunity. I loved {almost} every single minute of it, even on the hardest days. That’s the thing about infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss – the gravity of the best days and  the hardest days are never lost on you.

Now, it’s time to get excited about this next season. The one where my garage is filled with outgrown toys and sports equipment and maybe even a ballet barre.

That bouncer? I pray it holds for some young family as much love and laughter and promise of His promise, that it held for ours. Now that I type this, that sounds like a great prayer to pray over it, before I send it off along it’s way.

And my God…He’s so faithful, y’all. He will guide me through this season, just like He did that one. My prayer for myself, JW, and this entire house, is that we slow down enough to treasure it, the same way we did the last one. And when it’s time to sell the next set of emotional plastic contraptions, may I have the strength to let them go and embrace what’s coming.

What do you need to embrace, friends?

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: ²a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, ³a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, ⁴a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, ⁵a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, ⁶a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6

 

And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whosoever shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.”
Matthew 18:2-5 KJV

“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 KJV

“For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare them to their children: That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments:”

Psalms 78:5-7 KJV